Don’t Make Divorce Ugly
My mom’s friend Linette has a daughter who is recently divorced. Denise got divorced a year ago and it was a battle she didn’t expect. The divorce was a bitter one and was dragged out by her ex-husband Ted; their young children are suffering for it. David and Allison are innocent victims being pulled in two different directions thanks to joint custody. They’re very young and impressionable. Denise’s ex-husband moved in with his girlfriend whom he cheated with while he was married to Denise. Ted, Denise’s ex-husband, is brain washing the children against Denise who has started dating again (I’m not sure why since she just got divorced). Ted tells his children that Denise loves her new man more than she does them. This childish behavior by Ted is setting his children up for failure and psychological problems later in life.
Divorce is painful for everyone involved, especially the children. Most parents don’t think about the children, they think about what their spouse has done to them. Before the ink is on or even dried on the divorce papers, moms and dads start dating again. Instead of taking time to heal and evaluate ‘what happened, they enter into a relationship with the next man or woman that comes along in their life. Meanwhile the children are shuffled between two houses or given up solely to one parent. What kind of message do you think this sends to your children? They’re probably feeling abandoned or blame themselves for the divorce. They probably have many thoughts going through their mind that they’re not sharing with you.
Tips to dealing with divorce
- Don’t use your children as pawns. Pitting your children against each parent isn’t a good idea. It’s not fair to them. They’re life has been systematically dismantled, and they don’t need to deal with childish behavior from their parents.
- Don’t bad mouth your ex-wife, ex-husband, or ex-partner. As much as you can’t stand your cheating ex, your children had nothing to do with it. The matter is between you and your former spouse/partner, deal with them and don’t bring your children into it.
- Remember that your children didn’t ask to be born. You chose to get married and have children or to live with your partner and have children. Your children shouldn’t have to suffer for your life choices. Your marriage didn’t work out but your children didn’t have anything to do with that.
- Seek counseling. You may feel better speaking to a marriage and family therapist. It’s best to get to the ‘root’ of why your marriage ended. You may not want to hear this but you could have been the cause of it. You may have unconsciously sabotaged your marriage. If you take a step back, you’ll probably see that you’ve been repeating unhealthy behaviors in your life that led to your marriage and to the demise of it. Forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes, and move forward with your life.
- Take time to get to know you before you enter into another relationship. I’ve seen it with family and friends — the ink isn’t on or dried on the divorce papers and they begin to date. They haven’t learned anything and the dysfunctional relationship cycle begins again with another player. Before you move into another relationship, get to know who you are. You may be surprised at what you find.
Keep the peace and be fair. Bad mouthing your spouse to your children is not a good idea. It minimizes the respect they’ll have for you and your authority. You may not be thrilled that your ex-wife or ex-husband is dating but it’s none of your business. Unless, you can prove that the new ’significant other’ is harming your teens, you have no right to tell your ex not to date. You may not like it but you’re not married anymore.
If you’re going through or may be thinking about divorce, please remember that your children are not pawns on a chess board. They’re breathing and living beings with feelings whose world was just turned upside down. They need help adjusting to new schools, living arrangements, traveling, and blended families. Being a teenager is harder today than it was yesterday. A divorce only adds to the pressure teens already face. Think about that before you start to bad mouth each other — don’t put your teens in the middle. Be adults and work it out.
*Visit Kids Health.org for more tips on how your teens can deal with divorce.
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